Black and White
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Black and White
...for lack of a better title -_-"
I'm going to attempt to actually finish a story (something that continues to elude me) and I'm looking for these specific things in critiques:
Chapter one for this story is still in the making, but I do have this little blurb about the world it will take place in:
I'm going to attempt to actually finish a story (something that continues to elude me) and I'm looking for these specific things in critiques:
- What needs more detail
- What needs less detail
- What seems rushed
- What carries on too long
- What dialogue needs to be fixed
- Anything else you'd like to add
Chapter one for this story is still in the making, but I do have this little blurb about the world it will take place in:
- Spoiler:
- This story will take place in another world on a continent called Tebeo. Tebeo is a world of magic. For simplicity’s sake, “elemental” magic, but the elements of wood, fire, earth, metal, and water- wood being the most common gift, metal being the least- instead of the normal fire, water, wind, earth.
There are families in this world who go by the title of “Narros.” Narros can be trained as anything from archers to warriors to mages depending on their family and skill, and it is the job of a Narro to travel the world to learn new things. Every time they come to a village, they are to tell stories of battles they’ve fought and things they have seen- passing on their acquired wisdom to others. It is believed that a Narro who cannot or will not tell the stories of their travels is bad luck and will bring horrible things upon those who they meet.
Regardless if a Narro is able to use magic or not, every Narro has the ability to sense magic in some way (typically through one of the senses).
Strange things have been happening in Tebeo recently. A cult has risen and, while not causing any particular harm to anyone yet, their motives are quite questionable.
FrozenFire- Posts : 26
Join date : 2011-05-17
Age : 31
Location : My laboratory...OF SCIENCE!
Re: Black and White
How can the characters know a cult is rising if they haven't actually done anything yet? Are they suppossed to just be recruiting?
Re: Black and White
Well, it's not that they've done any definite "bad" things yet, but a cult can form and still be known. During the beginning of the story, they'll be recruiting and they'll be doing some weird stuff (I don't want to give too much away). When I say "rising" I mean, "its becoming larger" and such.
FrozenFire- Posts : 26
Join date : 2011-05-17
Age : 31
Location : My laboratory...OF SCIENCE!
Re: Black and White
Chapter 1
- Spoiler:
- “What have you got for me, Oz?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“You heard me,” the man said as he glanced up at his only customer that night. “No one comes around here, anymore, Sam. We don’t get ‘Wanted’ posters or missions or anything in this bar.”
Sam sat and stared into his drink for a moment. “Guess those old stories must be true, then.”
“Are you serious?” the bartender asked. “You believe in those stupid superstitions? You might as well go into the city. You can meet some people and actually do some work.”
“You know I hate working in groups, Oz,” Sam sighed as he traced the rim of his mug of beer with one finger, “Besides, I’m sure my reputation’s gotten around after what happened last time.”
“That wasn’t your fault at all. Besides, from what I hear, that guy was asking for it.”
Sam sighed, “That’s not the point.”
“Look, Sam, just go into the damn city,” the bartender snapped. “What have you been doing lately? Just hanging around here, wasting your money, and getting drunk out of your skull. Get out and stop wasting your talents around here. Besides, they’re probably getting rusty. Can you even swing your sword anymore?”
After a brief silence, Sam smiled wryly. “You’re the only bartender I know who would tell a customer to stop showing up every day, Ozzy.” He downed the rest of his beer, belched, and stood up. “Fine. I’ll go. If I show up here again tomorrow, you can probably assume how well it went.”
~*~*~*~
Incip was one of the larger cities to spring up in Tebeo in the years since Sam had moved to the mainland, and from every angle and from every direction- north, south, east, and west- it always more or less completely failed to be pleasing to the eye. Actually, it was extremely ugly in Sam’s opinion. It was if the buildings had been placed in such a way to drive away invaders though their sheer hideousness- the stones used to make buildings hadn’t been polished or smoothed out, giving their silhouettes a bumpy, unfinished look, extremely tall buildings towered over strangely smaller ones, and partially burned down buildings still stood, posing a potential threat to those walking below.
“Why did I come here again?” Sam sighed as he pushed his hat back and stared up at the tall buildings. He approached the gates and was let through. Fortunately, the streets weren’t too busy and he was able to get a relative idea of where he was.
First, I’ll need a place to stay, he thought to himself, and turned to face the other direction when he smacked straight into someone.
“Oof!”
“Hey, watch where you’re going!” a female voice snapped as she brushed past him.
“Sorry,” Sam sighed as she left.
Great, now I’ll be late, the young woman thought as she hurried down the street towards a bar. I hope he’s still here. She pushed though the doorway and to the back of the bar. There was a familiar man sitting there.
“Sir Rohit?” she questioned.
“You’re late,” the man said gruffly.
“I apologize, there was a fool bumbling about on the street,” she snorted. “Anyway, what do you have?”
“It’s a notice from the town over,” the man said as he unfolded a piece of paper. “They say they’ve been experiencing strange magical activity in the nearby forests, but they can’t pinpoint its location. For now, it’s just a scouting mission, but depending on what we find, it may become something more. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
The girl sighed. “This business isn’t what it used to be.”
“No, it is. We’ll just need more than just the two of us soon, Lady Malika. The missions are getting harder and harder.”
“I swear the world’s being thrown out of wack for some reason. The life of a Narro isn’t easy,” the girl sighed. “We could use a fighter on our team, though. I’m a mage and you’re an archer. We need something to balance this out.”
“Bah,” the man snorted. “Those magic-less brutes would just weigh us down.”
“Are you saying you’ve been practicing your close-combat fighting? Because if our enemies get up in our face…” she trailed off as she noticed the man before her was looking just past her head.
“Perhaps this discussion would be better off taken outside, Lady Malika. We do not need any unwelcome ears listening in on our plans,” Rohit said suddenly.
Malika glanced quickly around the bar, but saw nothing. She shrugged and followed the man outside to a more secluded spot where some children were playing.
“What was that all about?” Malika asked the man.
“I could feel someone watching us,” the man murmured. “Hopefully they’ll leave us alone out here-”
“I overheard you two talking,” a voice cut in.
Malika and Rohit quickly turned to face the person who’d been spying on them in the bar. To Malika’s surprise, it was the same man she’d run into on the street. “Oh, it’s you. What did you want?”
“You two said you needed a guy who can fight in close-combat,” the young man stated awkwardly. “I could do that.”
The man and the woman before Sam began whispering to each other frantically. After a few minutes of watching them, he sighed and began shifting his weight from side to side. Well, this is going swimmingly, he thought to himself as he gazed around the area they were standing in. Maybe I should just head back to Ozzy’s place…
“You!” the man barked suddenly.
Sam snapped to attention, “Yes, sir?”
“What is your name?” the man asked slowly, seemingly surprised at Sam’s reaction to calling him out.
“Samuel, sir,” Sam continued.
“What is your family name?”
“White, sir.”
This answer triggered much more whispering between the two and Sam sighed. The bar was right there…
“What’s wrong, Sir Rohit?” Malika asked as she noticed the dumbfounded look on the man’s face.
“He is from the White family,” the man whispered. “They aren’t supposed to be alive anymore!”
“What? Never mind, who cares? Can we trust him?”
Rohit sighed and shook his head. “I do not know. There are many stories surrounding the family.”
“Such as…?” Malika sighed. She never thought Rohit would believe in superstitious stories.
“Well, this is the story I heard a long time ago: The White family was once one of the strongest families of Narros. They specialized in close-combat skills, but some of them had enough magic in them to cast minor-level spells, making them very feared, indeed. It was considered a high honor to have one of the family fighting alongside you.”
“So we should trust him,” Malika interrupted.
“No,” Rohit sighed. “Listen. One of the obvious characteristics of the White family was that they had snow-white hair- hence their name. Supposedly it was because the family was blessed by a faerie queen.”
“But his hair is black!” Malika hissed. Rohit gave her an annoyed look. “Sorry.”
“As I was saying, their power came from a blessing, and the side effect was the change of hair color. However, it is said that a very powerful, but very arrogant member of the family decided to raid the treasure stash of a black dragon living in the high mountains. He was discovered by the dragon and cornered.
“Instead of killing the man, the dragon chose to curse him as black dragons often do, but the blessing and the curse magics interfered with each other. The man’s hair was turned black as night, and he, along with his descendents were destined to go mad and murder those around them without distinguishing between friend and foe before dying themselves. The madness would be triggered by the death of a close friend or relative, but this was where the blessing interfered- instead of going completely mad, it was if those who were affecteds’ souls were split into two separate entities. The mad half of them remained dormant in their minds unless triggered by a stressful event- an event that could be triggered by telling their tales.”
Malika seemed to realize the severity of the curse. “But they were a family of Narros…”
“Right. While en route back home, the man received news that his brother had died under mysterious circumstances. However, whatever had killed him had caused his once-white hair to become obsidian black. Realizing what he had done, the young man’s soul split in two under the pressure of his grief and self-blame, and he did not return to civilization for some time. When he finally reappeared, the people of the village expected a great tale from the young man, but he simply shook his head and stated, ‘I have no tales to tell.’
“Knowing that all Narros have stories to tell, the villagers began to fear him and sent him on his way rather quickly. Once home, the man remained confined to his room for several days, and by the time someone finally checked on him, he was dead. Suicide. Over the next few generations, all other members of the White family either went mad, killed their companions, and died, or killed themselves in fear of eventually going mad. They’re all supposed to be dead,” Rohit glanced at the young man who was still standing in the same spot he’d been since he first arrived.
“Should we let him come with us, though? He doesn’t seem bad just…socially awkward,” Malika stated.
“Well, I suppose we could always ditch him if we find someone better,” Rohit murmured. “Or maybe he’ll leave us.”
Sam kicked at the dirt beneath his feet. The two had been talking for a long time.
Does it usually take this long to get accepted into a group? He wondered.
“So, Samuel White,” the man finally said as he turned around. “We have decided to let you come with us, however,” the man paused. “If you are a burden in any way or if we decide we no longer require your assistance.”
“Y-yes, sir!” Sam stammered. He’d actually been accepted into a group! He could hardly believe it.
FrozenFire- Posts : 26
Join date : 2011-05-17
Age : 31
Location : My laboratory...OF SCIENCE!
Re: Black and White
I like your writing style. To me it is easy to follow.
lucky333123- Moderators
- Posts : 51
Join date : 2011-05-15
Age : 29
Location : In a mystical realm far, far away!
Re: Black and White
Sorry this is so late, guys. Work has been kicking me in the soul D;
- Spoiler:
- “You know, when you two let me come with you, I assumed I’d be doing more than carrying your **** around,” Sam grumbled as he followed his two new companions with a large pack on his back.
“Beggars can’t be choosers,” Rohit stated in response.
“Yeah, yeah…” Sam muttered as he shifted the weight on his shoulders. “I just don’t get why I’m carrying your arrows…seems like a dumb idea if we get attacked. Anyway, where are we headed?”
“A small town a little ways into that forest over there,” Malika answered and pointed down the road to a place where trees sprung from the ground. “It’s only a scouting mission, though.”
Great, this’ll be fun, Sam sighed to himself. A million Narros in Tebeo and I get stuck with the ones doing the boring jobs. “Dare I ask what we’re looking for?”
“The source of some strange magical activity,” Rohit snapped. “Now quit your jabbering, we need to focus on navigating through the forest.”
Sam raised an eyebrow, but decided to do as the man said. Even if he was lying, the last thing they needed right now was to be lost in an unfamiliar place. Or at least that was the last thing Sam needed.
“If I’d known he was going to interrogate us like that, I wouldn’t have invited him to come with us,” Rohit muttered under his breath.
Malika shook her head, “Well, if you were in his situation, wouldn’t you want to know what was going on, too? Though, I would prefer that he stopped complaining.” She pulled out a map and tied her short, brown hair back so that she could read properly. “All we have to do is keep headed east on this trail and we’ll make it there soon.”
“Hey!” Sam suddenly shouted from behind them. “What should I be looking for? I’ve never had to find a source of magic before…”
Rohit groaned and massaged his temples. “Great, we’ve picked up a complete rookie.”
“Look,” Malika called back, “I’ll explain everything when we get there, alright?”
“Fine,” the young man sighed, muttering a few words under his breath.
The small group entered the forest and followed the path indicated by the map. Malika didn’t notice anything strange and frowned. “Are you sure we’re headed the right way?” she asked her partner.
Rohit ran a hand through his auburn hair, “Right as rain. In fact, we should be getting there soon.”
A few moments after the man spoke those words, the mage experienced a prickling sensation over her skin. She winced, “Looks like we made it. Sam, are still back there- Sam?” Malika asked as she saw the young man standing frozen in place with an expression of confusion and fear on his face. “Hey! What are you waiting for?” she called.
“I have a feeling that going in there would be a stupid idea,” he murmured as he took a step back.
“Haven’t you been around magic before, White?” Rohit sighed. “There’s nothing to be afraid of here. This whole thing will go away once we find its source.”
“We’ve done this kind of thing before, Sam. You should have nothing to worry about,” Malika added. “All we have to do is find out what’s going on and tell the mayor of the town. Quick and simple.”
Sam planted his feet squarely on the ground and looked as if he was about to protest, but then pulled Rohit’s quiver out of one of the packs and threw it at the man. “Fine. But if we’re going to go stumbling headfirst into obvious danger, at least keep your own damn weapons on you.”
Rohit caught the quiver without missing a beat. “Very well. If it will make you feel better,” he growled and threw it over his shoulder before walking deeper into the forest.
Malika followed her partner and cast many glances back at Sam to make sure he was keeping his promise and still following them. He was, but he seemed to be having a very strange reaction to the magic- his eyes betrayed his fear, but he didn’t seem to have the will to run away. His steps were sluggish and heavy as if the pack he carried had gained an extra thirty pounds.
“Is that a normal reaction to this kind of magic?” she whispered to Rohit.
The archer shrugged. “Different people have different reactions to different magics. A bit like an allergy, really. The White family was always known to be able to wield magic. Maybe because he was never trained to use his, he just never learned how to block it out at will,” he paused. “Or maybe he just reacts badly to this type of magic, and only this type of magic. It’s impossible to tell.”
The young mage glanced backward at the swordsman again. I wonder if he’ll be able to make it through this mission…
This must be hell, Sam thought to himself as he trudged along the forest path. Everything around him seemed to be tinted a toxic purple color and he couldn’t escape it. Oh, he wanted to escape, but it was as if he had lost the power to do anything but follow his new partners around.
I suppose nothing too bad could happen so long as they’re protecting me, he sighed. But…why aren’t they being effected this way…?
After walking for what seemed miles, the town in the woods appeared from the forest like a mirage. Built from the same wood that surrounded them, the houses were difficult to distinguish from the trees from afar. It was a small town- the population could not have exceeded 100 people, and it was a wonder the tiny place was not constantly raided by thieves.
Then again, maybe not, Sam thought to himself. Who in their right mind would go wandering through a forest at night?
Suddenly, it felt as if another ten pounds had been placed on his back, causing him to stumble forward. When Sam looked around, nothing had changed and his partners were speaking with the head of the village…but what were they saying?
That was when he realized all sound had disappeared. The chirping of birds, the sounds of the children playing in the village, the dogs barking…all had disappeared as far as his hearing was concerned.
“What…?” he began to say, but realized he couldn’t hear himself either. The world around him began to darken. What’s wrong… with me…? was his last thought before falling forward and into darkness.
“…and so far our mages haven’t been able to determine anything,” the town leader concluded. “We figured more experienced outsiders could…er…is your friend alright?” the man asked, glancing behind the mage and archer.
“Hm? Sam!” Malika exclaimed as she rushed over.
“What’s wrong with him?” Rohit demanded as he turned away from the town leader. “Was it the magic? Is he ill?”
“He has no sign of fever,” Malika observed as she yanked the packs off Sam’s unconscious body, “but he does show signs of extreme exhaustion.”
“It was the magic, then,” Rohit muttered. “Do you have a place he could rest?” the archer asked the town leader.
“Ah, yes, we have rooms prepared for all of you,” the leader said hurriedly.
“Rohit! Help me with this guy, will ya?” Malika snapped. “And make sure all of our bags get put in the appropriate rooms!” Ugh…this is not good, the mage thought to herself. What if someone is purposefully trying to take out our close combat fighter?
With the help of Rohit and a few young men from the town, Sam was placed in a bed and all of the group’s equipment was placed in the correct rooms.
“What a mess today has been,” Rohit sighed as he sat in Sam’s room with Malika.
Malika was quiet for a moment, and then sighed, “Isn’t there something we can do for him?”
“Unless you can make some magic antihistamines, I’m afraid we can’t do much other than finish this job up real quick and get him out of here as soon as possible,” Rohit answered. “What do you say we go and get something to eat real quick?”
Malika scowled at Rohit. “I’ll stay here in case he needs anything.”
“Suit yourself,” Rohit shrugged and walked out of the room.
Once the archer was gone, Malika sighed. “Sometimes I wonder why my father wanted me to follow that man…”
~*~*~*~
Sam slowly regained consciousness and found himself in bed. He groaned and discovered he was still deaf to the world; and there was still some inexplicable pressure pinning him down, but at least he no longer had the backpack on to weigh him down further. He blinked a few times to adjust his eyes to the darkness, slowly sat up, and saw Malika asleep next to his bed.
Higher ground. The thought suddenly appeared in his mind. Get out of here and onto higher ground.
Though he could barely distinguish his things from shadows, Sam managed to locate his sword without causing too much of a ruckus and immediately strapped it to his back.
Higher ground…I have to reach higher ground, he thought to himself as he exited the room. After glancing around the town for a few moments, he trudged out into the woods and into the darkness of the night woods.
Last edited by FrozenFire on Sun Jun 19, 2011 11:57 am; edited 1 time in total
FrozenFire- Posts : 26
Join date : 2011-05-17
Age : 31
Location : My laboratory...OF SCIENCE!
Re: Black and White
Question: why is the word "cr@p" censored in my story and yet the word "damn" isn't? That seems a bit strange to me seeing as cr@p isn't actually a swear :\
FrozenFire- Posts : 26
Join date : 2011-05-17
Age : 31
Location : My laboratory...OF SCIENCE!
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